she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
