also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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