I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
