You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
