I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
