I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize