My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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