It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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