i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
