wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
