You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
