Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
