nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
