You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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