she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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