I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
