I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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