Welp...herpes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
