cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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