you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
