I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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