I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
