My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
