Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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