Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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