Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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