dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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