Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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