Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
