I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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