I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
