I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
