I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize