i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dear god my vagina.
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