It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
