i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize