I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
