I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
that may or may not have been my penis.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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