my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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