I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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