I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I skipped work to stalk him.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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