VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
