Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
