soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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