I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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