I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
