just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
