i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize