I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
