God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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