drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
is it fun? or sober?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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