he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
