Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
