did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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