Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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