Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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