i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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