i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
