Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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