Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
