I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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