I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
