Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
