She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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