I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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