he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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